Heaven is ... Lying hidden in a sleeping flower Holding another soul's feet tightly in all my own, as they hold mine. Both covered in a gravelly blanket of pollen-dust, fast asleep without ever having to close our eyes. Seeing only inward, until the sun rises. Heaven is ... Sound in both ears. Only a heartbeat and the warm sound of blood rushing on, in one. Mostly a voice, as you rise & fall with the breathing between thoughts, in the other. Ears, so full that they overflow to your heart and fill it up to your eyes and lashes and all of your love flows out of you through your hands and lips so that you are empty to fill up again with only sound still coming in through both your ears. Heaven. Book: Homeland
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I know where you've gone. I know why. It's not even far, but I can't come. He doesn't want you, you know. I'm not really sure why you believe he will love you. I'm not angry with you. I miss you. I have a dark hole under my clothes where you should be. Come back. I understand you more now, I think. I want to stop trying to give you away to the ones you don't want to go to. I want to promise you, but I won't because I know I don't trust my own promises. I want you to stay with me. I need you & I think I like you. I never used to. I used to hate you. I remember. You were right to leave me, But you can't stay with him. He's not even holding you. He just has enough room, so you don't bother him & he doesn't mind you being there. & he's too good. He won't chase you away. Only ignore you mostly. I don't blame him. You're not his. You're mine. Please come back. from 'Soft' in My Heart An extract ... It could hardly be understood from the outside. Not standing separately, like other houses, it was always touching something unexpected, borrowing from next door, not always having the windows or doors one would have guessed at; having either more or less of the corners, passages, rooms and balconies that you had decided on from the outside. But beautiful. Winking and smiling at the corners of it's shared walls, growing outwards toward the other houses and pressing hard against them. They pushed back and made strong walls, not separating their rooms. Sharing their families' noises, their pain-layer-histories and picture-hook memoires. Touching the walls, you could feel them warming under your hands, seeming to move towards you, and away and staying still. Like breathing. In and out. Breathing you in through the back door into the kitchen, surrounding you, swallowing you whole without chewing. Then back out, across the passageway into the dining room: letting you go in the big space towards the open living room and then catching its breath and you halfway across the floor to the windows and out again to cross the passage in to the downstairs office, swirling you around and out, up the stairs and past the three bedrooms to the upstairs balcony, directly opposite the top of the stairs - from the bedroom and studio on either side too. The house breathed you straight out into the light - and you stood there blinking, not quite understanding how you'd got there so quickly, but loving the view and the place. from an unfinished novel, Untitled. I dig in, and hold on & the more I do, the more you drag. You pull, push, draw, toss! & drop me, yelling from where I thought you still were, only realising (mouth straining wide & eyes!) that my voice is rushing out after you, leaving my stomach via my lungs as you (just) left my chest cavity via my throat before, only staying nano-momentarily stuck (not even my throat can close up enough to hold you there) & you are gone. Free. Out there & I am left here, & you do it on purpose (killing snakes!) & Now I have no choice. I cannot stay here without you. I must follow. (Why do you do it?) I am so afraid. from 'Believing' in My heart My heart doesn't explain itself to me. It beats. If I want to live, I dance. But I struggle with it. My mind screams reasons! and truth! and law! and my heart is quiet and keeps moving, not even asking me to dance. (but how can I ignore that?) It is so much stronger. So much louder. So much bigger than me. I never thought of it growing, pushing out, beating in the dark; finding ways to be more without me knowing it, or helping it, or accepting it. It grew without me and then came flying round a mind-bend aiming at my chest to blow out my entire life- shack and move back in. Blew away everything I knew in one beat. Just one. One. ... What do you do when you're not lying? You dance. From 'Believing' in My Heart
7. I dream (a used dream). Soft-silk eyelashes shiver against each other... & in the corner of the night-wet garden of our 'once-upon-a-time' house the whole town lies inside-out and blinking against the backs of my closed eyelids. Hard as hail: still-life. I raise my arms over my head, not believing, but knowing that I lift up next to the paw-paw tree past the outside room, seeing the gutters, hovering over the back-door neighbours concrete wall and looking in- to their children's playground, sprinkled with tonight's forgotten toys. Higher, faster: all familiar (funny how we know what it looks like from the top). Higher, lower; smelling the early-morning misty warmths like swimming in a sunny-shady pool (cold-cold-warm-cold) & talking to my sister about flying from the back-garden. (she has the same dream) 8. ... from 'Dreaming' in I sleep, I dream My heart moves. Blood & water separate & the rest flows from my eyes. I blink rivers. My moon-heart pulls at the air-tides & I breathe Fire. It burns in me & I pour water on it. How can tears put out fires? I am made of simple things: Water, Air, Fire, Earth & feel the ground through my fingers & my shins. When the tide goes out, I walk on the ashes that are left of me; Lukewarm footprints filling with salt-water; flooded, even at low-tide. The meaning of it is beyond me, but I am here now. Again I understand that I can only stay & fight when I find my heart. from 'Breathing' in My Heart I don't remember what date it is, somewhere in May, June, July. I remember your mouth when I left you sleeping all day; twisted inside-out and pulling sideways, trying to draw an apology from me with its bared tooth-needles. I don't remember apologizing. from 'The End' in Goodbye Songs & Thank-you Notes Thinking of you now, I long to live alone inside my head. I wish for closure of my open mouth, not saying 'No!' I'm leaving you to live alone inside your head. from 'The End' in Goodbye Songs & Thank-you Notes
My heart is too big for me today; I feel it physically. It swells up, takes up more room than it should, squeezes out all the rest. outward pressure... Open & pulsing; a messy puddle to be careful not to step in because its deeper than it looks & dirtier & more dangerous: You could catch something (contagious) & that could hurt. it does, It's too big & too close; Like a full-moon drawing me up & out of my body, exposing me to the dark. Its too dark outside my body; too dark to be out without my eye-sockets to cry tears for my heart-puddle. dryness, coldness, darkness, & chest pain. from 'Broken' in My Heart |
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