July 26th, 2019

I can't feel my heart.

I can't feel it beating.

I feel my legs, heavy and hurting from running.

I feel my eyes, burning from staying open and crying too many tears.

I feel my breath coming in hard and going out easily.  Like it doesn't want to come in at all, only leave.

I feel my throat, tight, not letting my voice out.  Not letting me scream.

My whole body hurts.  By this I know that I am not dead. 

But my heart is still.

I hear nothing.  No heartbeat.

I must have lost it.  While I was fighting my deamons.  While I wasn't paying attention.

Why can't I remember the moment?

The last thing I remember of it, is the last thing I heard it say before it went quiet.  It said:

Let go.

...

But I didn't let go, did I?
I think I don't understand yet
how that works,
what that means. 
& now its gone
& I don't feel it
beating & I don't know
where it is.

...

One day, I will wake up with my heart back in my chest

& the darkness will be over & my heart
will shine again &

be new & old at the same time

& I will wonder about this strange dream,
without it.